Entitlement = Resentment = Anger = Death (Part 5 of 5)

This is the final destination of resentment.  You don’t have to have read the headlines about the studies showing dangerous ill-health effects of anger; some call it the heart attack emotion.  Instinctively you know it is true.  But here is what you miss; this is what the articles don’t point out, what they usually don't tell you is that the harmful effects of anger come not from their frequency or intensity.  Rather they come from duration: how long it lasts.  Unhealthy levels of anger are those that last longer than a few minutes.  In other words, the real culprit is the seed of resentment, which quiets now and then but never stops.

For a model of how anger is supposed to function (in a normal well adjusted person), you need look no further than common house cats.  When your cat gets angry, he'll arch his back, hiss, slash at the drapes, run through the house, jump off the walls, etc.  However, within five minutes, he's licking himself like it never happened; if he was angry at you, he'll rub your legs and purr.  The animal responds to his perception of a noxious stimulus in the environment.  Following his natural instincts about anger, he either corrects his perception (there's not really a threat) or adapts to it - the dog has to live here, too. As quickly as it came over him, the anger is completely gone.

But we don't do anger that way.  We think about it afterwards.  We dwell of how things should be and how unfair they are, how we were disregarded, devalued, disrespected, or wrongly rejected.  We fantasize about things didn't happen: "When he said that, I should have said this.  Then he would have said that, and I would have said this!  He would have replied with...and I would have...." Such imaginary dialogue can recur, off and on, for days, months or even years.

The end result of this is predictable, long-lasting resentment can cause depression and lower immune system efficiency - if you're resentful a lot you probably experience lots of little aches and pains - headaches, stomachaches, muscle pain, difficulty sleeping, etc.  You may get frequent colds and bouts of flu.  Admit it, you know someone like that, it might even be you.  Left to go its course, chronic resentment puts you at higher risk of hypertension, stroke, heart disease, and cancer.

But that isn’t the worst of it, the resentment-laden consciousness cries out to be altered by something - a drink, drug, someone else’s wife or husband,  large doses of caffeine or nicotine, or some compulsive behavior that will ease the tension, dissipate the sour feeling, energize the tiredness, or relieve the leaden mood, because after all “you deserve it”.  Affairs, drinking and drugging, new toys, new thrills create an illusion of power that mitigates the powerlessness of resentment.  It is this illusion of power that twelve-step programs target as the primary barrier to recovery - the first "Step" is admitting to powerlessness over the drug.  

It is the illusion of power and entitlement that traps you into a lifestyle of unrepentant sin, a lifestyle that becomes progressively more self-center, and more destructive to yourself and those around you.  As opposed to reality and truth, resentment greatly distorts thinking - through oversimplification, confirmation bias, inability to grasp other perspectives, and an inability to distinguish thoughts from reality.  Over time, resentment becomes a world view and a way of life.  Because the resentful have to devalue others to protect their fragile egos, resentment inevitably leads to some form of verbal or emotional abuse and, eventually to contempt and disgust.  In the end is the illusion of power that traps you into fooling yourself that you are somehow owed all that you steal, that you are somehow entitled.  When in reality and more importantly in God’s eyes, it is your lifestyle that has become contemptible and disgusting.  

For the originator of entitlement simply look at Satan, he believes he is entitled, is that really who you want to pattern your life after, all the while professing to believe in God?   Entitlement, such a dangerous thought, the seed of much of the sin that you choose to commit begins with one simple thought, "I am entitled".  Painful as it is to admit, you are not entitled, no more than Satan is.  Don't let that truth get too far away from you in life, or you will receive in death exactly what you are entitled to.  

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Entitlement - Resentment (Part 4 of 5)

Stress gets a bad press in America.  Blame for stress-related health problems is everywhere: time pressures, insecure jobs, congested commutes, information overload, fragmented social schedules, complex financial worries, and so on.  It's certainly a tough world out there.  However much of what is labeled "stress" is actually resentment for not getting what we believe we are entitled to.

Resentment enhances stress by breaking down concentration and draining off energy that would otherwise serve the task at hand.  The report you need to write will take longer and have more errors if you feel that it should have been assigned to someone else.  It might have been an interesting assignment, if you didn't regard the quotas placed on you as unfair. You might enjoy driving your kids to the soccer game, if you didn't mummer about your spouse expecting you to do it.  Traffic congestion would be easier to bear if you enjoyed the music or audio book you're hearing.

I have borrowed a little test to see if your stress is inflated by resentment. It actually is very simple; the problem of course comes in requiring you to be honest with yourself. 

Write down the five main things that cause stress in your life.  

On a scale of 1-10, rate your average ability to cope with each item on your stress list.

Now take a moment to imagine that all traces of resentment have been removed from your stressors - there is no unfairness or injustice involved.  Everyone pulls his or her weight; all live up to their responsibilities. You have all the help, understanding, appreciation, consideration, praise, and reward you deem appropriate.

Now reevaluate your capacity to cope with the stressors you listed.  On a scale of 1-10, rate your average capacity to cope with each item on your resentment-free stress list.

Once resentment is removed from the mix, most people notice a significant increase in their capacity to cope with their stressors. It is Resentment that increases stress by lowering your capacity to cope with it.  Chains of resentment, not stress, overwhelm and ultimately dispirit you.  

Living a life of resentment is the complete opposite of living a life of gratitude.  It’s the persistent feeling that you're being treated unfairly - not getting the respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward you believe you deserve.  It keeps you locked in a devalued state, where it is extremely difficult to improve or appreciate or to connect positively with people in general. It carries fantasies of retribution, which stimulate small doses of adrenalin and cortisol for temporary increase in energy and confidence.

Resentment never goes away on its own, simply because it doesn't produce enough adrenalin for the amphetamine/crash effect of stronger forms of anger.  While exhaustion limits the duration of rage, you can stay resentful for years on end. Without the exhaustion factor, the retaliatory fantasies of resentment persist long enough to become habituated.  Thus resentment is more of a mood than an emotional state, and the behaviors it motivates are more habit than choice, with disastrous effects on you, your family, friends and community.

The habitual nature of resentment means that it is never specific to one behavior - nobody resents just one thing - and that its content is rarely forgotten. Instead, each new incident of perceived unfairness automatically links onto previous ones, eventually forging a heavy chain.  Eventually it projects itself into the future.  That's when you hear things like, "It's going all right now, but she'll find some way to screw up the weekend," or, "It's fine at the moment, but the ‘real him' will come out, just wait."

The tremendous effort required to drag the chain of resentment through life makes us makes us look for things to resent.  This creates frequent sour moods and an atmosphere wherein no offense is too trivial or too unrealistic to be added as yet another link on the chain.  We'll find things to resent in the news, traffic patterns, a dearth of parking places, the temperature of drinking water, and in other people's tastes, thoughts, opinions, mannerisms, and feelings.  All this because you jumped on the entitlement bandwagon.

A friend of mine who helps counsel those in an anger management class has a colorful way of describing the effects of resentment. He said that dragging the chain of resentment through life is like carrying around a bag of horse manure. (Okay, he didn’t say "manure.")  You want to smear the bag of horse manure in the face of the person you resent. So you carry it around, waiting for the opportunity, and carry it around, and carry it around, and carry it around.                  

And who stinks?

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Just a quick note to mark that this is the 100th post of this blog and it seems that with each one I find two more topics that I feel compelled to address.  So it is safe to assume that there is not a lack of topics that need examination.  Because at the very genesis of this blog, the intent was to help those who call themselves Christians examine themselves to see if they truly are.

Entitlement - I, I, I it's all about I (Part 3 of 5)

Me, me, me, it is all about me.  To some degree, we all have entitlement feelings.  We carry around a sense of being owed for something we have done or for some wonderful trait we have.  When we feel entitled, we focus on what we are owed, not what we might need to give to others.  It is a "one-way street" mind-set.  When these feelings are strong and people don't meet our expectations, we often find ourselves bitter, resentful, and angry.  Relationships can be (and often are) destroyed by feelings of entitlement.

How much entitlement do you walk around with in your life?  I can see a fair amount of it in mine.  I feel those "I deserve" feelings more often than I want to admit.  Even in small things, I can see the problem.  When I hold the door open for someone, I feel he or she owes me a "thank you" and I get disappointed, when I don't get one.  In my relationships, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "so and so owes me this because I have done that for her or him."

Even with my adult daughter, I run into it.  If I go to a lot of trouble to do something special for her, or to help her out at cost to my own personal time or money, I can sometimes find myself thinking, "Okay, you owe me some good behavior, as well as your lifelong appreciation for what a great dad I am." (Unfortunately, she is thinking, "I are so doggone cute, it must be a real privilege for him to get to do these things for an adorable daughter like me.) 

It's human nature to feel entitled, this isn't pleasant for me to admit.  But unless we do admit to having these feelings, we stay in denial about them and they continue to destroy us.  The painful truth is that we are not entitled to anything on this planet.  You are not entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," despite what the authors of the Declaration of Independence had to say.  Nothing is your birthright!  You are not entitled to anything, not even the next breath you hope to take.

Now, the good news, while we are owed nothing, it is perfectly fine to pursue what we want (within reason and as long as it is “right”).  For example, we aren't owed our spouse's or parents' love, but it is fine to want it.  We aren't owed a high-paying job because we may have a diploma or a special talent, but it is okay to want a high-paying job and try to find one.  We aren't owed a thank you for anything we do, but it is okay to want one and hope to get one.

Entitlement is a self-serving, one-way street attitude that creates bitterness and resentment in the people who feel entitled and in the people around them who don't like being treated that way.  The fruits of the sense of entitlement is seen all about , the person who takes something from work, the wife who cheats on her husband, the child who copies and exam, the man in the car tailgating you.  It plays itself out in the governing of the country, I am entitled to this benefit, this money, this special privilege, regardless if the country can afford it or not, just cut someone else’s entitlement, because I am more deserving than they are.  You see it at your church, if you are honest with yourself, I have been here longer, and I have done this or that.  I, I, I, it is all about I. 

Take a minute to examine your own entitlement assumptions.  Have you fallen into this way of thinking? Toward whom or what do you harbor feelings of entitlement?  How has it affected you emotionally? How has it affected your relationships?

Are you willing to try to let go of entitlement attitudes and feelings wherever they may be directed?  Because if you do not, a sense of entitlement always leads to one outcome… It is the seed of entitlement that once nurtured grows into one of the most destructive feelings a person is capable of.  One that is in the process of destroying a nation, marriages,  families, friendships, and your relationship with God.  Entitlement is but the birthplace of Resentment.   

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Entitlement - A Quiz (Part 2 of 5)

In my previous post, I began a series addressing our sense of entitlement.  However it has occurred to me that perhaps you are under the opinion that while everyone else you know has a false sense of entitlement; but you being a healthy and mature Christian do not possess a sense of entitlement at all.  If that is the case, then any discussion regarding the sin of “being Entitled” would fall on deaf ears.  So before I proceed further into the issue, now would be an appropriate time for a little self examination.  To that end I have borrowed an "Entitlement Quiz" for you to take.

For each of the fifteen statements below, mark a number from one to seven which gauges your personal feeling about the statement (one being the most disagreement and seven being the most agreement).  Please answer the questions below using the following scale:

1          2          3          4          5          6          7

        Strongly Disagree                                                                             Strongly Agree

Do not spend too much time on any one item.  Also please respond in terms of how you actually feel as opposed to how you think you should feel.  Try to avoid using the neutral response if possible, because let's be honest you are not neutral on any of these.

______ 1. I deserve respect from others.

______ 2. I demand good service in a restaurant.

______ 3. My closest friends owe me loyalty.

______ 4. I expect fairness from others.

______ 5. I'm owed a good-paying job for my abilities.

______ 6. People should treat me the way I treat them.

______ 7. When I do something nice for someone, I expect them to do something nice for me.

______ 8. I deserve a "thank you" when I hold a door open for someone or let someone ahead of me in traffic.

______ 9. People should listen to what I have to say.

______ 10. I often feel "owed" for things I have done.

______ 11. Other people have told me I expect too much.

______ 12. All in all, I deserve a good life.

______ 13. I am entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

______ 14. I find myself getting angry inside when others don't do things for me they said they would.

______ 15. My children owe me cooperation and obedience for all the sacrifices I have made for them.

Add all of the numbers of your fifteen responses, and then divide that total by fifteen. The number you are left with will show you on the scale how convinced you are that you are "entitled" to certain things.

If your score is from one to three, you probably are not expecting much from other people in the way of gratitude, approval and response.  As such, while you may be disappointed when such responses aren't forthcoming, the sense of disappointment does not build in you to the point of feeling resentful.  

 If you scored a four, you are showing signs that a sense of entitlement is becoming dangerous to you.  

If you scored from five to seven, you are probably a person who is carrying a lot of internal anger over the fact that people fail to give you what you feel entitled to. If this is the case, it is time you begin to readjust your expectations. You need to remind yourself that you are "owed" absolutely nothing for all you do and that God has given everyone the choice to fly in the face of what you want.  You need to remember that God’s expectation and challenge is for you to do things for people because it's the "RIGHT" thing to do, not because you can earn "frequent flyer points" that you can cash in whenever you want.

Painful as it is to acknowledge, in life you are not entitled to anything, not even the next breath you are hoping to take, everything is a gift.  Don't let that truth get too far away from you in life, or you may just receive what you are entitled to in death.

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Entitlement - The Enemy Within (Part 1 of 5)

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend, That quickly turned to a discussion regarding something that he felt ‘entitled to’; when I disagreed with him regarding it and stated a completely opposite opinion he took offense to my position and the evening came to a fairly quick close, as he abruptly rose to call it a night; primarily because he is emotionally invested in his ‘entitlement’ and ‘resented’ the fact that someone would dare to challenge it.  He will get over the difference of opinion,  but it got me to thinking about how  the American culture both outside and inside the church has radically changed in regards to our now closely held belief of being  entitled.   While this may not at first glance seem to be an issue that is addressed in the Bible, upon closer examination of the problem you will find that the undercurrent of entitlements and their destructive consequences are consistently being addressed.  However perhaps I should begin at the beginning. 

A sense of entitlement means that we feel that we have a right or a claim to something, whether it's the best school, a grand home, a better job, preferential treatment, or the good life.  On its own there is nothing wrong with wanting those things (well excluding the preferential treatment); however we begin down a perverse and eventually self-destructive super highway once we take that first step. 

When I was growing up in the 70’s, my mother had a copy of the best selling book “I’m OK—You’re OK” written by Thomas Harris, which was part of the self esteem movement of that time (how has that worked out for America?), McDonald’s slogan at the time was “You deserve a break today”." In the 1980's, another ad campaign said, "Pamper yourself with Calgon." In the 1990's, it was "You owe it to yourself to buy a Mercedes Benz." Society continues to bombard us with the message that we are such fantastic people; we are entitled to an equally fantastic way of living.  I half expect to see a new book titled something in the vain of “I’m Entitled and So Are You, Just Not as Much as Me”.

Entitlement issues are increasingly becoming a top concern of psychologists, therapists, Pastors and educators.  We seem to have come to the place where we feel entitled to the good life.  We're entitled to have everything work for us.  If it doesn't, someone must be to blame, and you can be sure of at least this: Whoever is at fault, it isn't us.

How crazy  of an idea is that? 

Think of last year’s Christmas, recall the pile of presents under the Christmas tree as large as Diamond Head, that's taken for granted.  That's just the way it's supposed to be.  Every child has a right to presents by the ton, and even that will not be enough if the latest, coolest gadget of the minute isn't to be found.

A person standing on Waikiki beach with a frown on his face, muttering, "I really liked our vacation to Tahiti better" -- that's an entitlement issue, too.

Or how about these?  "I'm a college graduate, so I deserve a high-paying job."  "I've been good to my friends, so they owe me their loyalty."  "I am a senior citizen, so I deserve younger people's respect."   "We weren't put on this earth to suffer, so life owes me a break."  "I took care of my kids when they were young, so I am entitled to some special care from them when I grow old."

The upshot is a culture of complaint. We have, it seems, grown fluent in the language of blame, complaint and grievance, while having lost our linguistic capacity when it comes to words such as, "Please," "Thank you," and "I'm sorry."  We also seem increasingly disabled when it comes to expressing personal responsibility for our part in the problems that beset us.  After all, how can we possibly say, "It's my fault," when we've been weaned and schooled on self-esteem?  If I'm OK and you're OK, then it must be "Them."

How has this pervasive sense of entitlement come to pass? I have my theories, but the how is irrelevant. It is the consequences that matter and whatever the cause, this much seems true: Entitlement is the handmaiden of the ego, the sign of a neglected, malnourished soul, and the cornerstone of Resentment. 

Entitlement signals a rejection of the core values of America and of Christianity. Our national genetic code and faith, at least at one time, was patterned on respect for the common man and woman.  A shared belief in the dignity of human life that's not the consequence of having, but of being created in God’s image.

My grandmother, who lived through the Great Depression in the Midwest, was imprinted with this genetic code and made a point of passing it on to my mother, who was just as determined to pass it on to me.   When I was a teenager during one visit to her modest home with my mother, I said something that must have sounded either arrogant or entitled.  My mother locked her glare on me while my Grandmother fixed me with a stern look and said, "Don't you ever think you are any better than anyone else!"  I have remembered it, precisely because I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was special to both of them, the apple of their eyes. However even considering that idea of putting myself above others was never to be tolerated.

Here's a project you can undertake, pull out your bible and try to find the passage where Jesus proclaims that as the Son of God He is entitled to special privileges, or Paul claiming a special exemption from suffering because of all he has done. Easier to find (as the others do not exist) are the passages where David thought he was entitled to preferred treatment and see how God dealt with him.

In the end, it's the entitled who, however rich, are truly poor.  Instead of knowing life as a gift from God, life turns into something that's taken for granted -- or worse, begrudged. That's real poverty, and no sense of entitlement can alleviate it, or stop it from digressing to what comes with it….Resentment. 

Next Post - Entilement A Quiz (Part 2 of 5) 
Part 3 of 5 Entitlement - It's all about I, I, I.